This is my first post on this forum, though it feels like I already know some of you here. I have been lurking for a couple of months now, and I must say, there honestly seems to be more love and respect here than any forum I have ever seen on any forum of any kind.
I am 25 years old, married 3 years to my wonderful wife who is 22. We had a somewhat classic JW upbringing... Which I now know has been our biggest problem. I was never a super dub, just kind of floated along, never commented, roughly 3-6 hrs/ month in servo, never motivated to progress "spiritually". My work keeps me from over half of the meetings, but it never botched me. I always felt a measure of guilt for not doing more, but apparently not guilty enough. In the back of my mind, there were always nagging thoughts. I have thought about the teachings that don't quite jive with the bible, but assumed the GB must know what they're doing. I never took the time to really research what it is that we actually teach, or "make the truth my own" as they say.
I decided probably 6 months ago that I would study our doctrine and history with a completely objective view, and an open mind. I would look at as many sides of each argument as was possible, and form an opinion based on as much information as I could find. I had come to despise the attitude I see with dubs today, we have all the answers, we know it all.
Well it doesn't take too much research sans the WT to see that 607 and 1914 have NO place being mentioned with the bible, and that is the foundation of the WT house of cards. It all falls down from there. I started writing all my findings in a notebook, and it now has many more notes than I have ever taken at any assembly. I now see the hypocrisy, and it makes me sick.
The problem: I can't seem to get through to my wife. The cognitive dissonance is strong with this one. She knows I have been researching like crazy, and have come across many things that lead me to doubt that it is the truth. Of course I don't tell her that I don't see truth, I see CULT. She has been amazingly supportive and patient with me through all of this, which led me to wonder if she possibly felt the same way. She rhetorically asked me a few weeks ago if I wanted to be a witness anymore, I said... Well, no! Honey, it's all bullshit. Top to bottom, front to back, bullshit.
She looked at me like I was some kind of monster. She started balling worse than I have ever see her, claiming that Satan is influencing me, and Jehovah knows it. She said she would rat me out to the local elders, because I can't live a lie for my family. I have never seen her so hysterical. I told her I was not ready to make a decision, I still need to do more research, and if I need to I'll talk to the elders myself. We have talked briefly about it a couple times (more tactfully) since, but she goes on WT defensive autopilot immediately, and I can see the door for me to get through other closing with every conversation. I think it frustrates her that I have not seen the light and "come back to Jehovah" yet. She has agreed that if it truly is the truth, it will stand up to any examination, no matter how thorough. She knows I am smart, smart enough to see facts and see through rhetoric and propaganda. She has told me that. I just think she doesn't like considering the possibility that it isn't the truth, and I honestly don't think she could handle the thought of the consequences of either or both of us leaving the bOrg.
Upon some more insightful discussions with her, it turns out that she really knows less about the JW doctrine than I thought. Nobody ever studied with her directly, and she has never had a decent personal study routine. She thinks it's okay for some people to disagree with some teachings, and denied ever hearing about several other doctrinal teachings we are supposed to be spreading. I suppose it's partly my fault for not being a better "spiritual head". She has agreed to do more personal research as our family study time, but has yet to start doing any reading.
I love my wife with my whole being, and could live without contact with my family of I had to, but not her. I don't want to think about the problems me leaving the bOrg without her would cause. We would stay happily married of course, but it would hurt things. Ideally I would love for my parents to see the light too, but they have been in since the early 80's, I don't see it happening.
I am about halfway through Crisis of Conscience (GOOD READ), and have downloaded Combatting Cult Mind Control for after (I hope it will help me get through to my family and wife), and I also have Captives of a Concept. I just need time to read all of them, though I have been spending a lot of my spare time lurking here, reading many amazingly insightful and informative threads. Without giving away too much incriminating info, I am a specialist in a very specific field, and am only called upon in an emergency, which leaves me with a lot of paid spare time to read so I hope to get through alot of these books shortly.
I truly respect many of the members on here already, and I look forward to gaining more insight into this crazy situation we have all been put into. Hopefully I can lend my input where it is due as well.